It’s easy to think that learning happens when a child is paying attention, sitting still, or following instructions. However, at Children’s Autism Services, we know learning starts well before any of that; it starts with emotional regulation.
For many children, especially Autistic children, regulation isn’t a given. It’s something that must be supported and nurtured through connection, trust, and understanding. And it’s one of the most important things we focus on during our sessions and programs.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage emotional and physiological states—things like frustration, anxiety, excitement, or overstimulation—so we can engage meaningfully with the world around us. It’s not about being calm all the time. It’s about having the internal and external support to return to calm after something feels hard or overwhelming.
When a child is dysregulated, they’re not in a place where learning is possible. Their brain is focused on safety, not new skills. And if we try to teach or redirect in that moment, we often end up feeling like we’re hitting a wall, or worse, like we’re making things harder.
As Children’s Autism Services’ Executive Director, Terri Duncan, explains in her book Why Emotional Regulation Might Mean…EVERYTHING, emotional regulation is not a prerequisite for learning, it’s the gateway to it.
What Does This Look Like in Practice?
In our classrooms and therapy spaces, it often means slowing down. Before we jump into an activity, we check in with the child’s state. Are they showing signs of stress or overload? Do they need movement, deep pressure, a break, or simply a moment of quiet connection?
We might dim the lights, reduce noise, offer a sensory toy, or sit beside a child in silence. We might follow their lead in play before offering any directions at all. These small, intentional choices tell the child: you are safe here, you are supported, and you don’t have to do this alone.
Once a child feels emotionally safe and physically regulated, their capacity for learning and joy grows exponentially.
How Can You Support This at Home?
You don’t need to be a therapist to support emotional regulation. Here are a few ways families can foster a foundation for learning through regulation:
- Notice your child’s cues. Changes in breathing, tone of voice, body tension, or facial expression are early signs of dysregulation.
- Pause before giving information. If your child is visibly distressed or distracted, hold off on instructions. Offer comfort first.
- Co-regulate. Sit beside them. Breathe together. Use grounding phrases like “I’m here with you” or “Let’s take a break together.”
- Create a regulation routine. Build in calming moments throughout the day, such as quiet play, movement breaks, or sensory activities.
- Reflect after, not during. When things calm down, talk through what happened. Use gentle language to build self-awareness: “It seemed like your body was feeling tight. What helped it feel better?”
Why This Matters
We often think of learning as starting with content, letters, numbers, and words. But for many children, especially those who experience the world differently, learning starts with something much deeper: feeling safe in their bodies and their relationships.
Emotional regulation is not a delay in learning. It is learning.
When we prioritize regulation over compliance, we’re not only helping children build skills, we’re helping them build trust, confidence, and resilience that will serve them for life.